i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
