I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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