Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
