May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
