My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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