apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize