In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
