I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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