1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
