i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
