Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You are a genius and a whore.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
