Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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