i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
