I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
