jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
