why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
