it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
