I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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