I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
