You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize