dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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