end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
