I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
