We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
