she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize