who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
