im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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