but the lizard people decide everything anyway
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
