I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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