I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize