if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just had sex bonerless
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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