Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
