Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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