youre lurking in front of me
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
