my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
