Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
