you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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