highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
