this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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