fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
