Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
