well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
