True but thats because hes a fetus.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
