I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
