I swear she didn't look like that last week.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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