Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
