If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
