I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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