yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Randomize
