I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
