Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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