meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
