I heard we made out
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
