He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
