I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize