I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I wish I only lived at night.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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