for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
