kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
