We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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