I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
