just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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