can u get pink eye on your cock?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
