im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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