1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
