Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
