I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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