I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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